Watching Home Alone is so funny it’s like
Kevin’s mom: *hyperventilating into a paper bag* I can’t believe I left my son home alone, he has to be so terrified, my poor baby boy all alone I need to go get him-
Kevin: *actively planning to commit war crimes*
There are, at every turn, adults trying to help Kevin. He is not trapped in that house, he goes shopping like three times. He convinces the pizza delivery guy that there’s an old guy there trying to murder him. Kevin knows exactly what the fuck he’s doing and what he is doing is psychological warfare
Petition to make Home Alone a PG-13 movie at LEAST so the Wet Bandits can call Kevin a little shit on-screen
Actually no. Rated R. I want to watch Kevin kill a man
It started out as a random burglary but the SECOND Kevin shot that dude in the dick it became personal
I just realized that like. Until the end of the movie Kevin never figured out his family straight up forgot him at home. He truly thought he had fucking magicked them away with his wish that night and that he had magic powers. No wonder the kid was so full of hubris with those robbers he had the power of God and Santa on his side
Okay movie’s over. I have unironically and genuinely come to the conclusion that Kevin is a child prodigy and will possibly the most intelligent person on the planet once he’s full grown. Not only is he able to outsmart the Wet Bandits (great name), he outmaneuvers the police, shoplifts at least once, and rigs up multiple contraptions including a fake house party, a get-chickened fan+feather combo, and a homemade door-activated flamethrower. He does this all while convincing everybody that he’s just a tiny helpless kid.
In fact, at the beginning of the movie, Kevin has his entire extended family convinced he’s so helpless he can’t even pack a suitcase. I bet him attacking Bud and getting sent to his room early was a ploy to keep from having to share the bed with his bed-wetting cousin. At the end of the movie, one of his cousins says something like “Kevin went shopping? He can’t even tie his shoelaces!” This kid is playing his entire family like puppets and they have no idea
Like hell it does, that is reads like a 6k post at best. There’s no bit, no clown to gang up on. This post plays into the website’s deep appreciation of Kevin McAllister and his sadism but that can only take us so far. Study tumblr theory and come back to be the clown this post will ride to 40k if you truly want to bring us to victory. And also me to deep shame for having a viral post about Kevin fucking McAllister
Watching you suspiciously. Have I made myself the clown of the post again I cannot be three for three on this dude
Hey what are you doing. Hey.
Heritage Post
THIS POST HAS BEEN AROUND LESS THAN TWENTY FOUR HOURS
Leo Valdez is Jason Grace’s best friend.
Grover Underwood is Percy Jackson’s best friend.
Leo Valdez is Jason Grace’s best friend.
Grover Underwood is Percy Jackson’s best friend.
Leo Valdez is Jason Grace’s best friend.
Grover Underwood is Percy Jackson’s best friend.
Leo Valdez is Jason Grace’s best friend.
Grover Underwood is Percy Jacskon’s best friend.
read that again. remember that. thanks.
100k notes and i'll @ my crush on this post
wrong. You have until august 1, 2023.
you have one week remaining.
you have no chance to survive make your time
A lot of things are possible but 90k in 4 days is not one of them
please
wear a different perfume when you commit murder fuckin amateurs
also wear shoes that aren’t your actual size and use gloves if you have to touch anything
what the hell is this here? A how-to-commit-the-perfect-crime??
Wear a wig.
Contact lenses .
Change your accent .
Change Hand when writing .
Layer up to make you look big if your small n vice versa .
Contour the hell outta your face.
Get your car interior thoroughly washed, then purposely dirty it up again.
Also use an icicle for the weapon because it melts away
Buy a ticket to a show and tell as many people / post it on social media that u went to the show
Y'all suspect af😂
*adds 363,462 more people to list of that I will fuck never with*
Make sure you set up a solid alibi
Pay for everything in cash
Or, for those of you who’ve read Roald Dahl’s Lamb to the Slaughter, feed the murder weapon to the police
Bodies should be buried vertically, not horizontally, to avoid the appearance of a grave. If you choose to dismember the body instead of bury it whole don’t forget to take a lighter or bottle of lye to the fingertips until charred or melted away, and use bleach on every surface that may have come in contact with blood splatter.
Also, don’t fucking brag about it later Jesus wept.
all this info is good for writing
but for actual real life, no one on tumblr has enough energy to get out of bed
ain’t no body on this website is gonna murder anyone
Make friends with a pig farmer. A full grown nursing sow can eat an entire human body, bones and all, in about 6 hours.
Shit that last one is more helpful than I wanted it to be, I’ll never look at pigs the same
Reblogging for *educational* purposes :)
This post is legendary and I’m so glad I found it. I love all the advice. Except the icicle. That’s technically impossible. Use a disposable knife instead and break the handle.
use a glass knife with wooden handle for ultimate wounding. its gonna leave a severe fucking wound and u can burn the wood and melt down the glass if it doesnt shatter inside the victim.
Thomas what did i tell you about making suspiious posts?
I love learning.
IT’S ON MY DASH I REPEAT IT’S ON MY DASH.
ON MY DASH
WHAT THE FUCK IT’S ON MY DASH. ALSO JEVER TRUST ANYONE WITH MORE THEN 3 pigs
Always reblog
“Never trust anyone with more than 3 pigs” is the best thing I’ve ever read
on another note, I just remembered Roald Dahl wrote Lamb to the Slaughter (I read it in sophomore year)
Dummies.
Bury one (1) oyster in the yard for two weeks. Put it on the plate with a bunch of others, serve to victim.
There’s plenty of health risks when it comes to eating raw seafood- No one will bat an eye.
World Heritage Post
Six years later, my dumb ass realizes I never said you also have to pull at least some of the teeth to prevent a match to dental records.
@damnn-dorothea @hell-lit011019 @chammak-challo113 murder besties… Refreshment course.
“I am a writer,” he said as reblogged this post. Little did they know…
This reblogging chain shouldn’t stop… everyone should know HOW TO MURDER !! I repeat this reblogging chain shouldn’t STOP!!
1.1 MILLION NOTES JESUS CHRIST
ok.
Also when you bury a body put some kind of acid on it(even if it’s just lemon juice) it’ll break down the body. Also don’t stab them. Use a poison that will leave the body quickly. If you inject them with something do it behind the ear, the people doing autopsies barely ever check there. Also break the skull so they can’t make a facial reconstruction. Also if you bury them or the murder weapon somewhere, do it somewhere that can’t be attached to you. Also make sure they don’t have implants(plastic surgery or bone implants. Also contacts) because those can be traced to the victim. Also if you’re doing a mass murder, bury the victims in different places, but combine bones from different bodies (not all of them though, you may still get away with a few). I could go on much longer, but imma stop here. I promise I’ve never murdered anyone, I learned most of this from the show bones.
This is heavily inspired by @/localgreekmythologywh0re’s fic nostalgia ( GO READ IT!! ITS AMAZING)
I love Penelope and Odysseus so much and I completely forgot about them until i read nostalgia!! So naturally, I wanted to draw them! They’re so lovely and they just love each other so much how could I not love them
If I may once again dip my toe into the discourse surrounding Greek Mythology, a lot of people like to rewrite or reframe the story of Medusa, and that’s great! Highly encourage it. But, DON’T YOU DARE GO AND DEMONIZE MY BOY PERSEUS!
Perseus isn’t some vile misogynist who hunts down and murders Medusa for the hell of it. He’s a scared kid who’s trying to save his mom from a forced marriage (whom herself has been a victim of terrible abuse from her father) to a creepy evil king and gets duped by the Gods into cleaning up their mess for them. He’s not the villain, he’s just another pawn. So if I see one more motherfucker trying to make him out to be the “real monster” I will throw hands.
You know what would be way more interesting?! Medusa sees Perseus rolling up to her crib and freaks out cause ‘holy shit this is a fucking kid. a fucking toddler with a sword and shield.’ and they hash it out and then TEAM UP to kill the evil kind trying to force marry Perseus’ mother! Think of the dynamics that you could write! The interactions that could occur. I mean, one of ‘em is gonna have to wear a blindfold but hey, minor problems.
What I’m saying is, gimme a buddy cop movie where Perseus and Medusa team up to fight evil in Ancient Greece.
I’m just picturing Perseus as this fairly well built sixteen year old kid, who looks a little underfed, and he’s like ‘ma’am I’m so sorry, I have to bring your head back to save my mom’ and medusa is like ‘okay, start over. We can work with this’ and compare trauma over some watered wine.
Okay but consider: Perseus regretfully tells Medusa he has to bring back her head to save his mother from a forced marriage and Medusa cocks her head and says “did the bastard say the rest of me couldn’t be attached?” and long story short Perseus rocks up with a Lady-Gaga-esque entourage of men carrying this gigantic silver platter with a giant metal cloche on top of it and announces it to his mother’s tormentor as the head of Medusa, and dude lifts it up and Perseus finishes, “and also the rest of her” and fucker turns to stone.
i think the next completely unfaithful reimagining of the persephone myth should be a Taken-style action adventure where demeter viciously fights her way through the underworld to rescue her daughter
we’ve made it sexy, we’ve made it romantic. now it’s time to give Demeter a shotgun
I think a small annoyance I’ve had with Kotlc is just how much importance Keefe is given in the latter half of the series. It just always felt like too much for one character, and I think I would’ve enjoyed that portion of the series a lot more if his plotlines/page-time were more equally divided amongst the main cast
